When Hermione Calls
by Fluffy Green Thing
Summary: What if Hermione called instead of Ron in the 3rd book? How would this be different? Dursley-mocking, OOC, One-shot, no pairings. Made just for fun while hyper at 2am. Hope you like it! *Changed to full-blown story because of popular demand*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I've really gotten into writing :D It's really fun! I don't know why I only read before… Dumb, dumb me… Anyway, I hope you like this One-shot of Harry's summer before his 3****rd**** year at Hogwarts. I read the end of CoS and it got me wondering. What would've happened if Hermione called first? ;) This is purely for fun. Well, fun for us. DURSLEY MOCKING TIME!**

**Disclaimer: Not blonde, British or rich, therefore not JK Rowling and do NOT own Harry Potter (sadly)**

**On with the story!**

**XxX eliizilla**

**PS. Forgive the EXTREME insane-ness and OOC-ness of the characters. This was written at 1AM while being hyper so give me a break.**

The summer was getting almost unbearable after a few days at 4 Privet Drive with the Dursleys. Uncle Vernon was still angry at Harry for his escape last summer, Aunt Petunia was as disgusted with him as always and held her nose up whenever he was around, to make her look snobbish, no doubt. And there was Dudley. His great baby-hippo of a boy cousin, who acted differently to him. Dudley, wasn't rude to him, didn't kick him around this summer, but he wasn't afraid of him either. They were in that awkward not-talking-until-you-talk-to-me-first phase and no one wanted to take a step closer to the other. Harry, frankly, didn't mind. He never liked his family and was used to such treatment from them so he spent his time outside, away from the house or inside his room studying.

Today, he started thinking of his friends. His best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, had promised to call this summer, to spare him of another 2 months with his horrid relatives. He hadn't heard from them ever since they parted ways after arriving back to King Cross station in London where they left to go home with their families.

When Harry went down for breakfast, he found the kitchen empty, the living and dining rooms empty and the curtains were still closed. He wondered why the Dursleys were so late this morning, as they normally were up before him, except Dudley, who, being the most spoilt child in the world, liked to sleep in. Harry started cooking breakfast for the others, knowing fully well that if he didn't, he would get an earful about how he is a no-good, lazy, ungrateful little shit along with all the other things Uncle Vernon said to him to try and get him riled up so he would try to curse him, get another letter from the Ministry and then get him expelled. That was how things worked in this house.

By the time the first person came down that morning, Harry had already made bacon, scrambled eggs, pancakes, a plate of toast and set the table for the four of them.

"Morning," said Harry as he greeted his aunt. "Breakfast is served."

His aunt said nothing but sat down and started eating the eggs. Harry quickly brought over a few cups and glasses for the tea, coffee and orange juice. His aunt didn't even thank him before pouring herself a cup of Joe and looking brighter and more awake already. Harry decided that it was fine to join her and so they ate breakfast together in silence until uncle Vernon came down.

"Comb your hair!" he yelled at Harry as a greeting. He had been hearing that every single day of his life. Harry had been put into the care of his aunt and uncle when his parents, James and Lily Potter, were killed by this evil dude Voldemort. He tried to kill Harry but failed, which resulted in Harry having a lighting-bolt shaped scar on his forehead. It was occasionally hidden by the bangs of his messy, untamable raven-black hair, which he inherited from his father and above the emerald green eyes from his mother, behind a pair of round glasses, again from his father. Harry had always been a scrawny boy and even though he had grown a couple inches while being properly fed at Hogwarts, he still was the same scrawny little boy. Harry was built exactly like his father, had they been put next to each other, they would have been called twins. The only thing that was different was Harry's eyes, passed on from his mother.

Uncle Vernon sat down as well, complaining about things to Petunia, completely ignoring Harry's existence. He didn't feel bothered. Harry had to finish a lot of homework by the end of the summer and he wasn't sure how he would do it without the help of his super smart genius best friend Hermione. She was the best in their year, spent nearly all her time studying or in the library and was known to be the favorite of most teachers. His other friend, Ron, wasn't anyone in particular. He was just this poor, ginger kid with a big family who helped Harry get on to Platform 9 and ¾ for the first time when he went to Hogwarts in his first year. They had been friends ever since Ron entered his compartment on the train. They met Hermione soon after but they were only friends after the boys beat up a troll to save her. Ron was obsessed with Quidditch, a Wizarding sport, as Hermione was with learning. Harry could always trust his friends to make him laugh or be loyal no matter what.

Not long after Vernon came down, so did Dudley. The steps were creaking in agony as the fatso stepped on them. The boy's parents thought he was perfect, no finer boy anywhere. To them he was Ickle Diddykins, a 'little tyke', Dinky Duddyums and whatever else his mother thought of. Harry had a different train of thought when it came to his cousin; he looked like a pig in a wig, and if he didn't stop eating, he would be a hippo in a wig.

"What's for breakfast Mum?" he asked.

"Pancakes, your favorite, bacon, eggs, and some toast." She said with a creepy smile on her face. "Would you like some orange juice, Dudley?"

"I want everything. But can you move mummy? My favorite show is on." He said while turning on the TV in the kitchen. It was an end-of-school present for him because apparently 'the walk from the living room to the kitchen was too long.' Harry could see Dudley's 5 chins just bobbing as he shook his head at the channels.

The phone rang and uncle Vernon picked it up.

"Dursley Residence. How may I help you?" he asked, strangely polite.

"Are you really? Certainly! No, it's no bother at all." He quickly ran over to Dudley, who was too engrossed in his show to bother paying attention to his father.

"DUDLEY! There's a girl on the phone for you! She wants to talk to you! Turn that TV off and talk to her. It was someone called Millicent Bulstrode. She seems lovely. Do we know her? Is she pretty?"

Dudley feeling awkward as it was, took the phone and ran into the hall while Petunia and Vernon just skipped in circles singing "Dudley's got a girlfriend, Dudley's got a girlfriend…" The room kept shaking because of Vernon's weight and Harry felt like he was in an earthquake. He just watched them, his expression somewhere between shock and amusement.

Suddenly Dudley ran back into the room, his parents stopped dancing and singing, while he threw the phone at Harry while barely staying there long enough to say "She wants to talk to you." before running upstairs.

Harry sat there in shock for a second before slowly getting up to his feet and walking to his room where he could talk to 'Millicent Bulstrode' in private.

"Hello?" he said cautiously. No one had EVER called him before.

"Harry? Is that really you? I figured that lump had gone in shock because a girl spoke to him and hung up or something because there was a long silence but now I know he got the phone to you! How's your summer been so far? I've been dying to call you but I thought it was too soon." Said a female voice from the other line. The girl was talking very fast, as if she was a recorded message just being played faster until it becomes a jumbled mess of squeaks. She was somewhere in the middle, sort of understandable but still too fast.

"I just have one question for you, Hermione Granger," Harry smirked at being able to figure out his friend so easily, and at her efforts. "'Millicent Bulstrode'? Did you really want to be reminded of your Polyjuice fail?"

"Oh, was my name not good enough for the _famous_ Harry Freakin' Potter? Is that so? Well it was the first name that popped into my head. Besides, Millicent was a fat ugly person too so it's kind of perfect, don't you think?"

"Yeah, totally purrrfect."

"Oh ha ha ha. Laugh all you want Harry Potter, but at least I am the one who knows how to get to talk to you. I tested Ron's skills at using the telephone and was completely appalled. He was screaming into the phone like there was no tomorrow!" she reminisced laughing. "After that, I decided that I should be the one to call you, before Ron gets phone-trained."

"Ok, you've made your point. What I want to know is what you said to my uncle and Dudley."

"Those two? They were a piece of cake. I put on a really innocent voice for the first dude, 'Um, hello. My name is Millicent Bulstrode. I am a friend of Dudley's from school. May I please speak with him? I don't want to be a bother.'" She said in a nasally voice. "As for your cousin, I simply said 'Hi, I'm a friend of Harry's. If you put that phone down I will hex your balls off. Now, my name is Millicent Bulstrode and if you don't give the phone to Harry, I will come to your house and actually hex your balls off. I have no problem with that. Now be a good boy and run along, why don't you?' and that would explain the terrified face he had, no doubt. I can be scary when I want to be."

"Yeah, no kidding 'Mione. That was really…Slytherin of you. Remind me never to get on your bad side." Joked Harry "Oh. I feel bad for Ron then." And they both burst into laughter. The joked around for a while before Hermione said her parents were calling her and that she would call him soon, under a different name, finding new ways to terrorize Dudley.


	2. Chapter 2

When Hermione Calls

By eliizilla

**A/N: Since so many of you asked for another chapter, here you go! I doubt this will be quite as funny as the original but, enjoy! I have also changed the plotline a bit so don't kill me if y'all don't like it.**

A few weeks later, Aunt Marge arrived. Of course, she wasn't Harry's aunt, but Dudley's. He was still obliged to call her 'Aunt Marge'. She was Vernon's sister, a boisterous woman and she was almost twice as bad, since she visited a few times a year, it seemed like she was worse than the Dursley's.

"Boy!" she yelled when the phone rang, "Pick it up!"

As he reached the phone she demanded him to give her the phone. He obliged and promptly left the room. She had the phone by her ear and was listening to what the person on the other line was saying.

Before he reached the door, she screeched at him again. "Potter! Take this to Dudley, it's his girlfriend,"

_Dudley has a WHAT?_ Harry exclaimed inwardly, _Who in their right mind would want that son of a- _He stopped his train of thought before clearing his face of any emotion, suppressing an evil smirk. He took the phone and took it upstairs to Dudley's room where he was playing video games. Petunia had forbidden him from leaving the house when Marge was in town so he was cooped up in his room where he had a TV, computer and no books. He was in his own heaven.

Harry gave Dudley the phone before saying, "It's your girlfriend. Enjoy." And walking back out of the room.

Dudley put the phone to his ear hesitantly with a meek "Hello?" before shrieking and throwing the phone to Harry. He only regarded this scene with faux shock, as he had a hunch of what happened. Harry left with a smile to Dudley, who was cowering with his 'blankie', and left to talk in his room.

"Hello, Millicent?" he asked in a posh accent, "How do you do? Have you had a pleasant vacation so far?"

There was laughter on the other end of the line.

"Why, yes Dudley," said a girl on the other end with a giggle. But in no way did she sound like Millicent Bulstrode. "I've had a simply smashing few weeks. And how about you?"

"They've been absolutely marvellous." He changed back to his normal voice before replying, "God Herms, I've missed you. You have no idea how boring Privet Drive is this time of year." Not that it was _ever_ interesting. "Aunt Marge is in town. I am surprised the house is still standing."

This made Hermione giggle, "Is she really that huge?" she said in hushed tones. "Anyway, my parents are taking me to France for a few weeks and they said that I could bring one friend, and frankly, Ronald irritates me, so do YOU want to come?"

"Do you really mean it?" Harry asked, astonished, "Do you really want me to come?"

"Of course!" exclaimed Hermione "We will drive by Little Whinging sometime tomorrow afternoon so get your trunk packed. My parents will drive us both to Platform 9 and ¾ so you will stay at our house until then."

"I don't think you will have to wait until tomorrow to get my trunk packed. Give me twenty minutes and ALL of my things will be in there." Harry said in a joking manner.

Hermione was silent for a while and Harry wondered if he'd upset her but she chose to return at that moment.

"Harry? You still there?" she asked

"Yep, still here,"

"I talked to my parent about taking a small detour. We are going to pick you up around 9 tomorrow, run in to Diagon Alley and get some money from your vault and then go shopping in Muggle London." She added "As well as get all of our school books for this year. And possibly some reading books for fun..."

"Alright, deal! I can't wait, Mione!" Harry exclaimed.

Suddenly there was a yell from downstairs. "Boy! Bring that phone"I need to call some people!" shouted Aunt Marge in her shrill voice.

"Got to go Mione, but I will talk to you tomorrow anyway, so bye,"

"Bye Harry," she said quietly "See you tomorrow."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Well, I was planning on keeping this a compilation of Harry and Hermione's phone calls but I am altering the whole story, so , if you REALLY like Dumbledore and the certain Weasleys (namely Molly, Ginny and Ronald), you should not continue reading cuz there will be plenty of their bashing hehehe. Though I will be sad if you stop reading, I don't like flames :P**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't gain any profit from this, just a warm feeling in my heart from every reader and reviewer. Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. I own nothing of that sort.**

**ENJOY!**

When Hermione Calls

By eliizilla

Chapter 3

The next morning, Harry woke up around 7:30 from the excitement of being rescued and couldn't fall back asleep. His things were already packed and ready to go in his trunk. He had taken down the posters from the walls and the pictures as well, simply because a little voice in his head told him to (**A/N: Not He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named**!). His room was completely barren from any personal touches, just furniture.

When he heard the beds heaving from the rooms next door, he grabbed his Hogsmead permission form and ran downstairs to make a huge breakfast. _If I am a 'good boy' then they'll HAVE to sing my permission form, _he thought while he got the pan out to make an omelet, _and even if they don't, I'll just ask the Grangers._ He pondered what he should say it is, because the Dursley's would never let him go off to a fun village. They disliked him having any fun.

Aunt Petunia was the first one down and Harry had just finished making the 5th enormous omelet, the five of them should be enough to feed everyone. He was started getting the packets of bacon open and put them on the pan.

"Good morning, Aunt Petunia." Said Harry quietly. "Did you sleep well?"

She looked at him as if he had just grown two heads before replying. "Good morning, and yes, I did. What else are you making for breakfast?" she asked as she put a piece of omelet on her plate.

"I was going to make a few dozen bacon strips and then maybe make some pancakes?" he replied, unsure of her reaction.

"Good, good," she airily told him before reaching over to get the newspaper that Harry had brought in. She read in quiet while he cooked the bacon.

Uncle Vernon came in next and, though he barked "Cut your hair!" at Harry, he was surprised to see the table full of so much food.

"Petunia? Did you-" he said to Petunia, who was still hidden behind the newspaper.

"No," she cut him off. "It was the boy."

"Harry, did you make all of this?" he asked tentatively. "By yourself? Not with the help o-of… you-know-what?"

"Yes, Uncle Vernon," Harry replied as he emptied the pan full of bacon onto the plate with a mountain of bacon already present. "I have not used any you-know-what since I came from the school."

This relaxed him noticeably. He sat down at the table and started to put food on his plate when Marge came in. She glanced around at the scene in the kitchen; Harry by the stove adding eggs, flour and milk to a bowl, Petunia reading the paper and Vernon shoveling food on his plate.

"What happened here?" she demanded.

"Morning, Aunt Marge," said Harry with a smile, "Would you like some pancakes? They will be ready in a few minutes. Help yourself to some bacon and eggs while you wait."

She sat down next to Vernon in shock, not even comprehending what she was doing until she had a pile of food on her plate as well. And yet, there was still plenty on the table for Dudley and Harry.

"What the devil is going on here?" she asked in a hushed whisper, so Harry didn't hear, but unbeknownst to her, Harry's hearing had improved since he had to strain to hear every whispered word from McGonagall and Snape.

"The boy made us breakfast," replied Petunia in a normal voice without looking up from her paper. "Try the omelet, it's scrumptious."

"LIES!" she whisper-yelled, "He has put something in the food, I know it! He is not to be trusted!"

"Oh Marge," Vernon chuckled "Calm down. And do try the food. I never knew he could cook that well."

"I will not calm down! He slipped something in the food!" She whispered, nearing hysteria, "Just ask him."

"Alright," Vernon put his utensils down, "Harry, did you put anything in the food?"

"Other than the ingredients?" asked Harry dumbly. "Nope, not that I know of."

"See, Marge? The food is perfectly harmless. Try some," urged Petunia

Marge grudgingly obliged and her expression changed immediately when she tried a piece of the omelet. It really _was_ good. She did not like the boy, but he could cook! She tried a piece of everything, bacon, eggs, more omelet and some pancakes and they were all delicious!

Dudley came down just as Harry was pouring the last pancake into the pan.

"Morning, Dudley," He said cheerfully from the stove. "Want some pancakes? Eggs? Omelet? Bacon? Help yourself."

Dudley stared in shock at his scrawny cousin. He hadn't know that the git could cook! He also sat down in shock but he made no move to eat the food in front of him.

"What's wrong, Big D?" asked Harry, in a mockingly sweet voice, "Cat got your tongue? Or do you have no appetite?" he chuckled to himself but Dudley made no move towards the food.

"Duddi-kins, you have to eat something. You have to go to that game with Pierce Polkiss."

Dudley nodded and slowly reached towards the eggs. He grabbed a spoonful before grinning and starting to shovel anything within distance in his mouth. Half the table was gone in under 5 minutes. Harry just had enough time to eat a few pancakes, a couple strips of bacon, and some eggs.

Aunt Marge had left upstairs to tend to her bulldog, who was feeling a tad under the weather because Harry may or may not have slipped something in his doggy dish. When Dudley left to meet Pierce, Harry told his aunt and uncle about the holiday offer.

"So, I will be away until next summer. You won't have to do anything but give me over to the Grangers and sign this form," he said, presenting the Hogsmead form.

"And what is that for?" asked uncle Vernon, "Is it to punish you?"

"Oh, yes! Yes, of course, Uncle Vernon." Nodded Harry excitably, "I have been a nuisance in my school and this Hogsmead is a village for bad students. They use all your kind of torture devices and many my kind as well. They are truly horrendous. So, unless you want me to _enjoy_ my year at school, you should probably sign this permission slip…"

Vernon grabbed a pen on the kitchen counter and quickly scrawled his signature on the piece of paper with an evil-looking grin. "They better whip you good. I will not stand for this wishy-washy nonsense about not punishing kids who deserve it."

"Yes, yes, I will tell them that." Harry rushed the conversation to a close, "The Grangers will be arriving here shortly and I will be out of your hair. May I go get my things?" after receiving a nod, he raced upstairs to get his trunk and dragged it down just to hear the doorbell. He opened the door, just to be mauled by a girl with very bushy hair.

"Harry!" cried Hermione as she wrapped her arms around him. "I've missed you!"

Mr. and Mrs. Granger stood in the doorway awkwardly as her daughter squeezed the living daylights out of a teenage boy, who was looking more and more lightheaded.

"Hem, hem" coughed Petunia, interrupting Harry and Hermione's 'moment'.

"Right," Hermione let go of Harry, slightly pinkish.

"So, you have come to take the boy and we won't have to see him until the end of the school year?"

Mr. Granger looked confused, "That's the plan, I suppose, but don't you want to see him before then? I mean, he is a great hero in the Wizarding world," both Dursleys flinched at that but said nothing, "but if you don't wish to see him, we can take him in over the Christmas break too. It won't be a bother."

"Alright then," barked Mr. Dursley, "Bye, boy," and that was the heartfelt goodbye Harry was expecting from his Uncle.

He grabbed his trunk and looked expectantly at Hermione. "The car is outside, follow me." He put his trunk in the trunk of the car and they set off towards Crawley, where the Grangers lived.


	4. Update

Hi. Remember me? The bitch who stopped writing this story. Yeah, hi.

I truly am sorry I have kept you waiting but it's not my fault, per se. You see, when I posted the last update, I was revising for my exams. They are a major deal apparently ;) so I couldn't update then. I was moving country this past summer so it wasn't and ideal situation to write. Now I am FINALLY fitting in at my new school and so, I am reading new books, which I am hooked on, I am organizing my life, which just brings a few headaches, and I am trying to fix some of my worst grades. That's not working out for me too well...

So yeah. That's what I've been through. If you feel you have something to share, feel free to but don't use bad words. I am SERIOUSLY trying to not swear. I use substitute words or swear in french :D

Right, back to the story update. As you can see, this is bloody well not it. I really am busy now, with making x-mas presents and stuff and I have some other issues that need to be taken care of. But in my defense, I did start writing chapter 11, but it somehow disappeared. So I don't have it anymore. And I have reread the story and I have no flippering clue where in the bejesus it went. So I am starting from scratch. Well, not entirely. I like the beginning but I will edit some of it out so stay tuned and please love me.

I promise to write so freaking much and often that you will get sick of me. Just please review, cuz reviews are like chocolate and chocolate is good and I love chocolate. Ergo, I love reviews. I will be removing this when I post the next chapter. Believe me, I hate these just as much as you guys :P


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